James 3 is so clear. I'm shocked that it is not more popular or used in marriage seminars or singles events. It sets out what the atmosphere will be like in a toxic relationship and a non-toxic relationship. This could be romantic or not, family even a workplace. It would be really good if it was used to identify a life partner because I know I am not the only one that has entered into a wrong marriage because of abuse and manipulation.

 

I grew up in a dysfunctional home so I was under the impression that strife was normal and common in a relationship. I didn't know how it should feel to be in an intimate relationship. I did not know how it felt to be loved because I had never had that. Not from parents and not from a significant other. I thought love was a choice. I recognised that my marriage relationship was not right when I had my daughter. I remember how much I loved her and I looked at my husband and thought; I don't love you as much as I love her. 

 

The atmosphere was horrid. I realised he was causing so much unnecessary stress and purposefully ruining good days. He would start an argument in the car because there was nowhere for me to go. I had to do everything, even when I was sick but it was so different if he was the one that was sick or even tired or hungry. It was like having two children and no help. I became fiercely independent because I had to be. 

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I did not want my daughter to grow up and think this was normal. I wanted to break the cycle. But I did not want a divorce. I did not want my daughter to come from a broken home. It was not an easy decision to make but once it was made there was no going back. 

 

After he left I kept waiting for it to hit me. All the sadness and grief, the breaking or ripping but it didn't. I felt sad about the situation but I didn't miss him specifically. That is when I realised he must have been a narcissist. They say that you do not miss one when they leave your life and there will be no memories. Twelve years of marriage, an eighteen year relationship and there was nothing. 

 

Back to James chapter 3 and the characteristics of a healthy relationship. The difference is like night and day. There is so much peace in a  non-toxic relationship. Calmness, no expectation. I have found it difficult to adjust because I am so used to being depended on I find it really tough to just relax  and depend on someone else. This is the first time in my life that I am surrounded by love and support. I can just be.